Question by ello!: Is this a good extract?
This is a bit out of a story Ive written,whats your opinion? Rating out of 10?

The sound of shoes, dragging along slowly across the planks on the wooden flloor echoed through the cottage. I could sense something was wrong.
“Hows Jessie?” I asked, trying to start a conversation
“Good”
“How’s Mrs.Mcgregor?” ( their guardian) I continued.
“Good”.
“How are you?” I wondered.
Silence entered the room and after a while, it seemed as if it wasn’t going to leave.
Finally he spoke.
“Not so good”.

I made a small gesture with my hand, showing him into my room. As we each took a seat on my bed (which hadn’t been made) I told him to tell me everything. I felt like a criminal, asking a spy for information of the combination lock of the presidents safe!
” I haven’t told Jessie yet” he admitted.
“Can you tell me? Or do you want to tell Jessie first?” I asked, I was starting to feel like a therapist!
“No. I came here to tell you and miss, I will.” he exclaimed determinally, as if he was not just convincing me, he was convincing himself.
” Our guardian took Jessie and I to the…..hospital.” he began. The emphasis on hospital made you think he was talking about a prison or a place people needed to be rescued from, not a place people were being rescued.
“So….” I encouraged him to continue.
” Ive got cancer.” he blurted out.
At first I gaped in awe but I could see it didn’t help him feel better.
“But..there’s a cure!” I exclaimed, “the doctor can get you on this procedure, you’ll lose your hair and puke but you’ll get better!” I continued. “They can give you a shot every day and you’ll get better!”. I was so excited by then I was jumping up and down, while holding his hands.
He had been solemn the whole time. When I stopped and looked at him ( with my best puppy dog face), he understood he had to say something. He had been secretly planning how to break it to her tme whole time.
“Its advanced.I don’t know much about medicine and illnesses but I have never heard about a cure for cancer, at least not such a complicated one. I’m going to die miss”.
I am a 10-12 year old!

Best answer:

Answer by ImBored…
i really like it. ive made some improvements (hope you dont mind) hope they help you.

I cant think of anything to improve the first paragraph (up to ‘not so good’)

‘As we each took a seat on my bed (which hadn’t been made)’ i would change to ‘As we took a seat on my unmade bed’

‘When I stopped and looked at him ( with my best puppy dog face), he understood he had to say something’ i would change to ‘I stopped and looked at him with my best puppy dog face, he understood he had to say something’

cant really improve much more, it is really good

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

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